Dreaming of the Paddy Olympics

If an Irish lawyer had his way, the world may soon enjoy a different kind of Olympics.

The Paddy Olympics must be just another kind of international games not out to rival the existing Modern Olympics.  Its advocate, Irish lawyer Colin Carroll, is but an ardent believer of fun.

“Nonsense makes sense,” says the lawyer, himself an athlete (gold medal in elephant polo in Nepal and the first Irish sumo wrestler to compete in Japan).  “I take being silly very seriously,” he adds.  So serious, in fact, that he had sent out bidding documents to some key cities in the world and all the cities in Ireland to host the inaugural Paddy Olympics.

Why “Paddy”?  It’s soooo Irish; the dictionary says it’s the slang— somewhat derogatory, for “Irish”— taken from the name Padraig (English Patrick). From the looks of it, Carroll has raised the word, or name, to new heights.  It’s the vaunted Irish humor in action to the nth degree.

Which only enhances the fact that more than the IRA or the Orange Order marchers, Ireland has the reputation of being the number one producer per capita of world-class writers.  (Think George Bernard Shaw, Oscar Wilde, Seamus Heanney, etc.)

But back to the Paddy Olympics, which Carroll promises to be “the world’s funniest sports spectacle.”

At stake are medals for backward running, underwater swimming, three-legged hurdles, egg-and-spoon races, high dive belly flop, and backward triple jump.  The wackiest of all would be the relay of two humans and two animals, called interspecies relay.  Carroll said that the baton could be passed to the animal of one’s choice, be it a dog or an elephant.

Here my imagination, or dream if you may, begins.  I would, of course, wish for the Paddy Olympics to begin soonest so the world can enjoy and laugh together soonest.  Suggested motto:  Funny, Funnier, Funniest, Latin version.  (Don’t let’s tinker with Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest as this is a self-entitlement of a great country called the US of A).

It would be heaven to watch great Olympic sprinters with world records running forward gain additional records running backward.  This goes without saying that the nitty-gritty of rules of the games is in place or about to be.

Say, would looking backward to see where one is headed demerit a sprinter?  And surely, if an athlete chooses to invert her attire back to front, including running shoes, it would make him appear running backward when in fact he’s running forward.  Is that cheating?

And really, would the greats of the usual Olympics join the Paddy if it means training differently, direction-wise?  Wouldn’t it  negate their forward speed in the next quadrennial?  What a question for neurologists.

I’m curious too as to how the three-legged hurdles will be done. I imagine two competitors of the same team either holding hands or tied together with one player holding up one leg, or have two legs tied together to become one, resulting in three legs then.

As for spoon-and-egg race, that’s a lark.  It’s too parlor gamish, the kind played at office Christmas parties or our tyke’s birthday party.  Unless of course the egg is an ostrich egg and the racers  cover ten laps.

So is underwater swimming a lark.  Having been convinced that when I swim and put my head above water, I at once go under, this is, ahem, my event.
The high dive belly flop should have real noise upon contact with water.  No Modern Olympian could qualify here, with their concave bellies from too much swimming.  But Panfilo Buma-at, Tibbs Bullecer, Marianito Luspo, some priests and public officials, and the husband are potentials.  Oh what a splash they could make, as champions.

The interspecies relay is the most creative of all.  The only problem is the choice of animals.  What if two human contenders have as partners elephants trained to step on smaller animals, and humans?  There’s got to be a rule on the size of other species partners for fairness’ sake.

But if I could vault my way into this event, I would choose a dog, most intelligent and quick, and let it chase me, barking, after passing the baton.  I would then run my fastest.

(24 Aug 2008)